FAN MAIL FRIDAYS: Complimenting Women in the time of #MeToo

Today's Fan Mail Fridays is a pretty interesting one because it tackles a bit of parenting, womenhood, masculinity, and the #MeToo movement; it's such a thought- provoking post and would greatly benefit a lot of parents of boys as well.

Hi Martha!  
I wanted to get your perspective on something.  My son was telling me a story the other day regarding an incident with a woman he had just met.  He was at an art gallery opening and struck up a conversation with a woman who was there by herself.  He's just out of college and is 24 and the woman was a high school art teacher in her mid-30's, so there was a substantial age gap.  He said that they seemed to develop a nice rapport, maybe even a bit flirty, and were chatting for close to a half hour.  He felt he had a good comfort level with her and wanted to compliment her on her appearance so he told her she had a "really, nice, hourglass figure" and from there everything quickly went downhill.   She was taken aback and said something like, "Excuse me, you hardly know me, why are you commenting on my body?"  He went into damage control mode but only made matters worse when he tried to convince her that "hourglass figure" was a compliment rather than just apologizing for offending her.  She finally said "you really don't get it do you?" and then landed a stinging slap across his cheek and walked off.  I would love to have been a fly on the wall for that one ;-)  I did tell him that he should stick to more neutral areas when commenting on a woman's appearance, so the clothes or shoes they're wearing should be fine, maybe the hair too, but never the body.  I wonder if his age had something to do with it and perhaps she would be more receptive to the comment if it came from a man in her age group, and maybe she saw him as some college guy who wanted to score with an older woman?  It's hard to know all the dynamics, but I just wanted to get your perspective.
V

Hi V!

Thanks for writing. First off, I was taken aback when I read the part where he was slapped by the lady; I could imagine how you felt as a parent when you heard that part; putting myself in a parent's shoes, I wouldn't want to hear that and I would have probably retaliated on the lady if I saw that with my own eyes.

So yes, I understand how any parent would feel in this situation, but then again, there are a lot of layers here and I wasn't physically there so I can't really comment on the situation. Instead, let's try to understand why most men seem to be always sexually- motivated when meeting women and discuss how we can teach young boys and men to approach women in the time of #MeToo.

WHY IS COMPLIMENTING A WOMAN'S BODY SEEMS TO BE THE FIRST THING IN EVERY MAN'S MIND?

I read an article a long time ago about a scientific research attributing this mindset to the natural mindset of the male species in the animal kingdom. Whether you acknowledge it or not, we are part of the kingdom mammalia. Our current evolution, Homo Sapiens, is about 100,000-200,000 years old; a cat's wild instinct has never evolved in the last thousand years (which explains why cats act wilder and are less likely to be tamed than dogs); the point is, there are still ancient, genetic traits left in us that will remain unless we evolve again to a new kind of species; one of those traits left with the male species is being sexually- motivated--because they are after the proliferation of their kind; they are driven to ensure that their generation continues; it's an act of survival so the moment they reach sexual maturity, the first thing they want to do is display their strength to attract females to mate; This probably explains why men are naturally sexually- motivated.

But that is no reason to excuse unwarranted sexual advances and disrespectful behavior. That's why we are considered the most intelligent species and we have formed a society with rules. Men are still sexually motivated genetically, but this shouldn't be used as an excuse to disregard boundaries and rules.

IS AGE AN EXCUSE TO LET BORDERLINE SEXUAL COMMENTS PASS?

Some parents who are reading this may say "But the guy is only 24!". 

You know, you say and do a lot of stupid things when you are 24. If I were in the situation, I'd probably scold him and let it pass knowing his age, but not all women are like me; some women may be the art teacher who won't tolerate this kind of behavior. So the best thing is to really educate young boys how to approach and talk to women not only in this day and age of #MeToo, but in any age too.

I did and said a lot of silly, stupid things when I was 24 so who am I to not acknowledge that other people in this age can make mistakes too even if it's the era of information? I grew up. I changed. I believe young boys (and girls) will outgrow the stupid, silly things they are doing too. I trust that all parents do their best to try to raise their kids in the best way possible, but there are things that really slip out. I hope this has been a learning lesson for your son, but it's another story if he will keep on repeating the same thing in his next encounters.

HOW SHOULD MEN COMPLIMENT WOMEN?

I think the guy's compliment was a result of him thinking that the conversation was a bit on the flirty side already.

Men shouldn't come from a flirting/sexual- natured mindset and assumption before complimenting a woman because the result will be a sexually- motivated and natured compliment.

Like what you said, it's best for him to stick to neutral areas; if he really appreciates a woman's beauty, he could say something general like "You look great!" or "You look good!" Nothing in detail, probably not even something as specific as complimenting the hair, the skin, or the face because these are related to the body already and may rub some women the wrong way.

Let's say your son's intention is purely appreciation, not sexually- motivated; sometimes, we don't communicate our intentions correctly because of our choice of words so before going to sensitive areas like physical appearance, it's best to process our thoughts first before saying something.

Some here might say that the girl has overreacted, but if you look at her side as well, the compliment may have triggered a related, not-so-good memory and due to the alarming, rising cases of sexual assault on women these days; can't blame most women for being high strung because sexual assault and rape are rampant nowadays.

There has been a development in the case!

Well, he sent her an apology note this morning and was pleasantly surprised by her response below!  Very generous indeed on her part and he did feel humbled.
Thank you for the apology (NAME).  For future reference, it is very inappropriate and highly offensive to “size up” a woman the first time you meet her.  I like to be appreciated for who I am, what I do, and not how well I can fill out a skirt.  You crossed an important boundary at very early stage, yet seemed completely unaware of your offense - hence the slap in the face.  You can think of that as a woman's option of last resort to send a message to a man that his behavior is inappropriate.  It was quite disappointing too, since we had a nice conversation up to that point.  I do like to give people second chances and you're obviously an intelligent young man, so perhaps this was just something of an aberration.  Anyway, I do accept your apology, and I have no lingering hard feelings.  In fact,  you should not feel awkward around me if you decide to come to the gallery again.  

Kudos to your son for sending an apology letter!

This has been a great discussion, V; I really enjoyed answering this. I hope this has been a good read for women and moms alike.

Raising respectful boys takes not only the parent, but the community as well; when they make mistakes, call them out and teach them; let us not berate them because in order to bring out the best in each other, we should give each one a positive kind of support.

What are your thoughts about the situation?

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